processing

i would of never thought it
everyone knew but me
my fam warned me
all my friends weren't that surprised
you really had me there
and i was the fool who played along

now when i walk the mission
it's hard not to get sentimental
riding BART to San Leandro
makes my stomach hurt
i want zachery's pizza to move to silver lake

when i put my shoes in the bin
before taking a flight from LA
going through the metal protector
while i gather my purse, i think of you
and wonder if you arrested anyone today

riding the metro bus
and i'm watching an old lady
use her purse to hide her 40 oz
she keeps talking to herself
and reminds the bus driver that he's on vacation
it's only 8:14 a.m

did you know that i was still crying over you
a year after my life changed
the early stages of anew
brought back some of the crap from the past

i can't do it captain

the LACC spring semester started yesterday and i was pretty stoked. unfortunately when i left my elementary algebra class, i wanted to cry because she gave us A LOT of homework. like a good hour, hour and a half of it. i got home and i started doing the problems, then i realized it was already going on 11:00 pm. i haven't showered, got out of my clothes and i started crying.

granted this was only the first day of the semester. but something in my gut was telling me this week was going to drag like no other. i like going to school. i like learning new things and i like to push myself hard, especially on math and english. but taking political science on thursday, which shouldn't be too bad, feels like a total drag. if i would continue with taking political science on thursday evening, basically i don't have any time to do anything else. i already didn't have any time last month to buy groceries since i was in class 4 times a week. i feel that taking a thursday evening class will not make me like school. i already work 40 hrs a week at my job and that does take up my time because i got to pay the bills. i want to keep liking that i am in school and i don't want to feel trapped.

when i was thinking about all of this last night, i felt like i had a flash of what my year was going to look like and it made me sad. i don't want to feel sad about school. school is suppose to be a uplifting and an awesome experience, not something that you're forcing yourself into because you have to. some of my close friends were a little concerned that i might be taking on too much. at the time, i really thought i was able to take it on. now i know better. :) i am always going to keep trying to get closer and closer to getting my A.A degree in Liberal Arts. i know many people in my life that are still trying to attend college, while balance their own life with their families, etc.

instead of beating myself up over this, i am just going to keep my sanity and drop the thursday evening class. it will give me time to excell in elementary algebra and my english 103 class. i rather receive two A's than receive so so grades from 3 classes.

to tip or not to tip?

this is what i thought of the delivery person who brought me thai a few weeks back. unfortunately my speech class got canceled and i was exhausted when i got home. so i decided to treat myself and got some delicious thai food from mae ploy. perhaps this was a mistake in retrospect. i was a bit low on the cash, but i figured i was treating myself and i would bring the leftovers to work the next day. this meant that i wouldn't pay for lunch and that it was the right thing to do? i was too tired to think and ordered food anyway.

i remembered that i didn't have cash to give to the delivery guy. i wanted to hit up an ATM, but it was going to cut it close since it's already been 40 minutes that passed. i don't mind charging my debit card for deliveries, but i usually like giving my tip in $. my good friend mario called me at that moment and we started to catch up. but then i hear the knocking on the door. i put down the phone to get my food. i started to panic because i didn't have $$ for a tip, so at that moment, i signed the lil' paper and didn't give a tip amount. *dramatic music*

i didn't even put $1.00 on there because i figured it was the neighborhood silver lake and someone that makes more money than me can tip the guy. i didn't want to keep my friend waiting on the phone and i reacted too quickly. i gave him back the signed paper and said good night. feeling already shitty about it, i put my food in the kitchen and start to make myself a plate. all of a sudden, i hear another knock at my door. my friend on the other line even heard it because it was that loud. i put my phone down and get to the door, it's the delivery guy. he started demanding a tip and suggested that i should put one on the receipt. he didn't want to hear excuses and he started telling me that he doesn't get paid much and that i should tip him like everyone else.

ok. i know not tipping the guy in the first place was not cool. but the fact that he came back and demanded a friggin' tip, didn't make me think that i should of tipped him in the first place. it also made me think if he would of asked a guy the exact same thing. don't mean to go there, but i couldn't help thinking so while he started giving me a hard time for this. he kept going on and on until i yelped, i am broke ok and you got to leave now. he stopped, smiled and said that he understood not having enough money and then i closed the door in his face. my friend heard the whole thing on the other end of the phone and was being supportive. "a tip isn't mandatory and you should call the restaurant back and tell them how he was to you." i was already feeling shitty and this delivery guy didn't make it any better at all. if i would of put a dollar on the receipt, i could of avoided this completely. but i still thought the way he was talking to me was very rude.
it was hard to enjoy the yummy thai food that evening. i felt like curling up to a ball and never ordering delivery ever again. now i can look back at it and laugh, because it really is hysterical. it sounds likes something that would happen on a TV sitcom. i told m.v.f. about the whole thing and he was cracking up, along with asking "why didn't you tip him again?" blug.

in other news, i am almost done with my winter session of speech class and i start my spring semester next monday 2/8. i'll be in class 4 times a week again and now i am taking 3 different subjects. i am taking 11 units, which is the most i've taken even while working full time. but i feel like i am ready to take this on, i really want to get a lot of school accomplished this year. i am also going to get myself a laptop!! since i am in school all of the time and always on the go, i figured this may be the best thing for me. i was thinking about getting a new computer. but if i get a lap top, i don't always have to be stuck at my house doing homework all the time. i can get some coffee, do my homework, be on facebook, be productive with my blog, get back on facebook. ;) i am stoked about getting a laptop though. yay. :)

it's a process

sometimes past relationship stuff comes up and it's sort of a process for me. i think being in the bay area this past weekend brought it up and now i can't stop listening to this song. fiona apple rocks, i feel like i dated myself typing that. d'oh. but she rules the school and my mind is spinning with school and other random stuff. it's been hard to write lately because of it. i'll write more soon.

parting gift by fiona apple

I opened my eyes
While you were kissing me once more than once
And you looked as sincere as a dog
Just as sincere as a dog does,
When it's the food on your lips with which it's in love

I bet you could never tell
That I knew you didn't know me that well
It is my fault you see
You never learned that much from me

Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for a rhyme
And from the first, to the last time, the signs
Said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started
They said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started

I took off my glasses
While you were yelling at me once more than once
So as not to see you see me react
Should've put 'em, should've put 'em on again
So I could see you see me sincerely yelling back

I bet your fortressed face
Belied your fort of lace
It is by the grace of me
You never learned what I could see

Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for a rhyme
And from the first to all the last times, all the signs
Said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started
They said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started

speech class and the last day in june

i started my speech class this week at LACC. it's a five week course. so i am in class monday through thursday from 6:55 pm until 9:30 pm. during the work week, i am up by 7 am and by the time i get home, it's already passed 10 pm. it's been a bit rough adjusting to this new schedule, but i know i can do it. :) but it doesn't give me any time to hang out with friends or call back folks throughout the day. i hope my friends know that i am not trying to ignore them, but i really don't have any time to call folks back.

i am only taking this class because it's a requirement. i wouldn't be taking this class if it wasn't. only because i took 4 years of debate in high school, along with my past performances and my experiences facilitating workshops, i really don't have issues with making a speech and presenting it. but i am fortunate enough to have an AWESOME teacher this semester. her name is mcpherson-rosas and she's been teaching speech at various colleges in LA for 12 years. she's a feminist and the first time i saw her walking down the hall, i knew i was going to like her. she's has short hair with purple streaks in the front, she's a woman of size and has so much confidence. she's completely down to earth and very open minded.

the first speech we had to do this week was to introduce ourselves to the class, along with bringing an object that described where we were at the moment. the item i decided to bring in was a photography book that m.v.f. got me from the holiday called the last day of june. it's by jamel shabazz and it's various photographs he took during NYC pride from 1999 - 2001. over a month ago, both m.v.f. and i were at a barnes and noble bookstore in his neighborhood. i saw this book and immediately got excited. flipping through this book reminded me of my younger days, walking in pride parades with my friends and feeling acceptance in a community that still a huge part of my life.

but since i've moved back to LA in 2005, it doesn't feel the same when i got to so cal pride events. i feel like a complete outcast and now that i have a male partner, the biphobia shines through and ignorant gays/lesbians like to ask me such questions like "you do still like women right? how do you do it?". i have also heard from various ignorant gay men down here that it's OK for women to be bisexual, but it's not acceptable for men to be. along with the various craigslist lesbian postings stating NO BISEXUALS I WANT TO DATE A WOMAN WHO ISNT CONFUSED. if you think i am joking about the caps lock, look for yourself, it's fucking nuts. but hearing all this bullshit on a semi-daily basis really gets to me and it's emotionally draining.

so when i saw the last day of june on the table at a barnes and noble in redlands, CA... a part of my heart melted in a good and sweet way. at the time i couldn't afford it and i told matt that i would buy it later. on xmas morning, we exchanged gifts and one of the gifts from him was this book. i brought this book in as my object of where i am at because i feel that m.v.f. gets who i am as a queer grrl and he accepts me for who i am. granted we have been together for 3 years, but he continues to blow me away with accepting me for my queer radical views. at times we don't agree on every issue, but it means the fucking world to me that he's still by my side. even during my speech about my object, i started getting a little emotional. i also am tearing up as i type this. d'oh.

i want to get to a point when i don't tear up about this fact, but it's just where i am at right now and that's why i brought the book to class. my speech teacher loved my introduction, along with students in the class asking to see the book. next week, we have to give an instructional speech. since i use to be a sex educator for seven years, i will use that opportunity to tell my classmates how to pick the right lube. my teacher was ecstatic about my topic and highly encourage me to do it. :) i am also pretty stoked about it as well because it's been awhile.