sometimes past relationship stuff comes up and it's sort of a process for me. i think being in the bay area this past weekend brought it up and now i can't stop listening to this song. fiona apple rocks, i feel like i dated myself typing that. d'oh. but she rules the school and my mind is spinning with school and other random stuff. it's been hard to write lately because of it. i'll write more soon.
parting gift by fiona apple
I opened my eyes
While you were kissing me once more than once
And you looked as sincere as a dog
Just as sincere as a dog does,
When it's the food on your lips with which it's in love
I bet you could never tell
That I knew you didn't know me that well
It is my fault you see
You never learned that much from me
Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for a rhyme
And from the first, to the last time, the signs
Said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started
They said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started
I took off my glasses
While you were yelling at me once more than once
So as not to see you see me react
Should've put 'em, should've put 'em on again
So I could see you see me sincerely yelling back
I bet your fortressed face
Belied your fort of lace
It is by the grace of me
You never learned what I could see
Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for a rhyme
And from the first to all the last times, all the signs
Said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started
They said 'Stop' - but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
speech class and the last day in june
i started my speech class this week at LACC. it's a five week course. so i am in class monday through thursday from 6:55 pm until 9:30 pm. during the work week, i am up by 7 am and by the time i get home, it's already passed 10 pm. it's been a bit rough adjusting to this new schedule, but i know i can do it. :) but it doesn't give me any time to hang out with friends or call back folks throughout the day. i hope my friends know that i am not trying to ignore them, but i really don't have any time to call folks back.
i am only taking this class because it's a requirement. i wouldn't be taking this class if it wasn't. only because i took 4 years of debate in high school, along with my past performances and my experiences facilitating workshops, i really don't have issues with making a speech and presenting it. but i am fortunate enough to have an AWESOME teacher this semester. her name is mcpherson-rosas and she's been teaching speech at various colleges in LA for 12 years. she's a feminist and the first time i saw her walking down the hall, i knew i was going to like her. she's has short hair with purple streaks in the front, she's a woman of size and has so much confidence. she's completely down to earth and very open minded.
the first speech we had to do this week was to introduce ourselves to the class, along with bringing an object that described where we were at the moment. the item i decided to bring in was a photography book that m.v.f. got me from the holiday called the last day of june. it's by jamel shabazz and it's various photographs he took during NYC pride from 1999 - 2001. over a month ago, both m.v.f. and i were at a barnes and noble bookstore in his neighborhood. i saw this book and immediately got excited. flipping through this book reminded me of my younger days, walking in pride parades with my friends and feeling acceptance in a community that still a huge part of my life.
but since i've moved back to LA in 2005, it doesn't feel the same when i got to so cal pride events. i feel like a complete outcast and now that i have a male partner, the biphobia shines through and ignorant gays/lesbians like to ask me such questions like "you do still like women right? how do you do it?". i have also heard from various ignorant gay men down here that it's OK for women to be bisexual, but it's not acceptable for men to be. along with the various craigslist lesbian postings stating NO BISEXUALS I WANT TO DATE A WOMAN WHO ISNT CONFUSED. if you think i am joking about the caps lock, look for yourself, it's fucking nuts. but hearing all this bullshit on a semi-daily basis really gets to me and it's emotionally draining.
so when i saw the last day of june on the table at a barnes and noble in redlands, CA... a part of my heart melted in a good and sweet way. at the time i couldn't afford it and i told matt that i would buy it later. on xmas morning, we exchanged gifts and one of the gifts from him was this book. i brought this book in as my object of where i am at because i feel that m.v.f. gets who i am as a queer grrl and he accepts me for who i am. granted we have been together for 3 years, but he continues to blow me away with accepting me for my queer radical views. at times we don't agree on every issue, but it means the fucking world to me that he's still by my side. even during my speech about my object, i started getting a little emotional. i also am tearing up as i type this. d'oh.
i want to get to a point when i don't tear up about this fact, but it's just where i am at right now and that's why i brought the book to class. my speech teacher loved my introduction, along with students in the class asking to see the book. next week, we have to give an instructional speech. since i use to be a sex educator for seven years, i will use that opportunity to tell my classmates how to pick the right lube. my teacher was ecstatic about my topic and highly encourage me to do it. :) i am also pretty stoked about it as well because it's been awhile.
i am only taking this class because it's a requirement. i wouldn't be taking this class if it wasn't. only because i took 4 years of debate in high school, along with my past performances and my experiences facilitating workshops, i really don't have issues with making a speech and presenting it. but i am fortunate enough to have an AWESOME teacher this semester. her name is mcpherson-rosas and she's been teaching speech at various colleges in LA for 12 years. she's a feminist and the first time i saw her walking down the hall, i knew i was going to like her. she's has short hair with purple streaks in the front, she's a woman of size and has so much confidence. she's completely down to earth and very open minded.
the first speech we had to do this week was to introduce ourselves to the class, along with bringing an object that described where we were at the moment. the item i decided to bring in was a photography book that m.v.f. got me from the holiday called the last day of june. it's by jamel shabazz and it's various photographs he took during NYC pride from 1999 - 2001. over a month ago, both m.v.f. and i were at a barnes and noble bookstore in his neighborhood. i saw this book and immediately got excited. flipping through this book reminded me of my younger days, walking in pride parades with my friends and feeling acceptance in a community that still a huge part of my life.
but since i've moved back to LA in 2005, it doesn't feel the same when i got to so cal pride events. i feel like a complete outcast and now that i have a male partner, the biphobia shines through and ignorant gays/lesbians like to ask me such questions like "you do still like women right? how do you do it?". i have also heard from various ignorant gay men down here that it's OK for women to be bisexual, but it's not acceptable for men to be. along with the various craigslist lesbian postings stating NO BISEXUALS I WANT TO DATE A WOMAN WHO ISNT CONFUSED. if you think i am joking about the caps lock, look for yourself, it's fucking nuts. but hearing all this bullshit on a semi-daily basis really gets to me and it's emotionally draining.
so when i saw the last day of june on the table at a barnes and noble in redlands, CA... a part of my heart melted in a good and sweet way. at the time i couldn't afford it and i told matt that i would buy it later. on xmas morning, we exchanged gifts and one of the gifts from him was this book. i brought this book in as my object of where i am at because i feel that m.v.f. gets who i am as a queer grrl and he accepts me for who i am. granted we have been together for 3 years, but he continues to blow me away with accepting me for my queer radical views. at times we don't agree on every issue, but it means the fucking world to me that he's still by my side. even during my speech about my object, i started getting a little emotional. i also am tearing up as i type this. d'oh.
i want to get to a point when i don't tear up about this fact, but it's just where i am at right now and that's why i brought the book to class. my speech teacher loved my introduction, along with students in the class asking to see the book. next week, we have to give an instructional speech. since i use to be a sex educator for seven years, i will use that opportunity to tell my classmates how to pick the right lube. my teacher was ecstatic about my topic and highly encourage me to do it. :) i am also pretty stoked about it as well because it's been awhile.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
trying to get it right for 2009
i still can't believe obama is going to be in office on 01/20/09. out with the dumb fuck bush and in with high hopes obama. i can only hope that folks don't have any crazy expectations with obama. bush has completely fucked everything up so much, it's going to take awhile before obama can do something about it. people are already giving him a hard time with the rick warren thing and people are already losing faith of obama. he's not even in office yet people? lets chill out ok? for real.
my friend Diana posted a goal list for 2009 on facebook and i have gotten inspired to do so too. :)
i feel a little bit cheesy about it, but hey...so it goes? here we go....
1. get a friggin' car
i put the friggin' in there because it's pretty serious. i have been getting around on public transportation since i've been back in 08/2005. it's been ok. i still get frustrated over the MTA lines and the bus systems. it takes too long to do a grocery run to trader joes. the only bus that passes there runs every hour Monday through Friday. BOO! :(
but it's not just little things like grocery stores. i want a car because i want to be able to get around in so cal and everywhere else. i also find it hard to imagine myself living with m.v.f. if i don't have a set of wheels right now. i know i got things going for the next six months...but taking the train to see my boyfriend is getting to be a bit much. i also want to make trips to the bay area to see friends and family. i would also like to idea of taking a day trip with m.v.f. and not depend on his car. making new friends in LA without a car can be a hard as well. i tend to stick in my silver lake/echo park neighborhood because it's easier and i don't want to bus it to venice. don't folks know it takes almost two hours to get to venice on the Metro?!? i am not taking to bus to venice for kicks. sorry. i need to start saving the dough to make this happen.
2. stick with college, no matter what.
i start my winter session at LACC and i am taking speech. this class shouldn't be too hard and i am taking it because i have financial aid until Junne 2009. in february, i'll be in classes 5 times a week and the thought of it is still mind blowing. i think i can do it? i know i can do it. :) my job is going to be crazy busy once the 2009 line starts, but i am willing to take the challenge. i am not getting any younger and i want to get that A.A in liberal arts. even if being at LACC takes more than a year...i have to stay committed to school or even if i finish my credits in the IE. i got to stick with college no matter what.
3. make my new-ish studio my home
i finally got out of that shitty apartment two blocks south of my new address in august 2008. i moved into a bigger studio with a regular size kitchen and a regular size studio room. a lot of closet space and it's all utilities paid. :) lately i've picked up a few things for my place, a coffee table, new rug and a computer desk. my place finally looks like i am not living in boxes. i have furniture and i would like to get more home stuff. perhaps a new couch? more bookshelves, since my books are currently boxed up in the closet. :( maybe after laying only on a mattress for over 5 years, it's time to finally get a bed to sleep on? i know this isn't going to happen overnight. but i got to stick with it.
4. try to see my friends more
i fell in love in january 2006 and it really fucked me up. not in a horrible way, but it got me off track with some friends in my life, along with meeting new folks and giving them the shaft because i want to hang with my boo on wknds. now that i have been with m.v.f. for over three yrs and the trust has been built...i need to hang with my buddies more often. sometimes i feel like i have lost some of the mojo from my friends and fam. but maybe it's not lost? i need to not give myself a hard time if i haven't heard from certain siblings or friends. life keeps going, no matter what happens. i know my peeps got my back no matter what. but i miss seeing certain friends and i got to be more pro active with it. i will try harder to get a beer or even just talk on the phone with my peeps and siblings.
5. love m.v.f. even more
this is going to sound cheesy like a pizza, but it has to be said. i celebrated my third anniversary with m.v.f this past weekend. i had such an amazing time spending time with him and being on a real vacation!! this man knows me. i had no idea a craigslist ad would have me meet such quality. he's been nothing but respectful and loves me for who i am. he always goes the extra mile. i've dated folks throughout my life, but i have never thought i would have this type of relationship before 30. these last three years of my life have been AWESOME with m.v.f. by my side. both of us know this will be the year for us. he's my rock. i want to have blacktino kids in the WAY future. i want us to build a home together. i want us to have the life we both deserve, even if he can't stop making silly faces. i don't care. he keeps me balanced and reminds to me chill out constantly. i love him. :)
my friend Diana posted a goal list for 2009 on facebook and i have gotten inspired to do so too. :)
i feel a little bit cheesy about it, but hey...so it goes? here we go....
1. get a friggin' car
i put the friggin' in there because it's pretty serious. i have been getting around on public transportation since i've been back in 08/2005. it's been ok. i still get frustrated over the MTA lines and the bus systems. it takes too long to do a grocery run to trader joes. the only bus that passes there runs every hour Monday through Friday. BOO! :(
but it's not just little things like grocery stores. i want a car because i want to be able to get around in so cal and everywhere else. i also find it hard to imagine myself living with m.v.f. if i don't have a set of wheels right now. i know i got things going for the next six months...but taking the train to see my boyfriend is getting to be a bit much. i also want to make trips to the bay area to see friends and family. i would also like to idea of taking a day trip with m.v.f. and not depend on his car. making new friends in LA without a car can be a hard as well. i tend to stick in my silver lake/echo park neighborhood because it's easier and i don't want to bus it to venice. don't folks know it takes almost two hours to get to venice on the Metro?!? i am not taking to bus to venice for kicks. sorry. i need to start saving the dough to make this happen.
2. stick with college, no matter what.
i start my winter session at LACC and i am taking speech. this class shouldn't be too hard and i am taking it because i have financial aid until Junne 2009. in february, i'll be in classes 5 times a week and the thought of it is still mind blowing. i think i can do it? i know i can do it. :) my job is going to be crazy busy once the 2009 line starts, but i am willing to take the challenge. i am not getting any younger and i want to get that A.A in liberal arts. even if being at LACC takes more than a year...i have to stay committed to school or even if i finish my credits in the IE. i got to stick with college no matter what.
3. make my new-ish studio my home
i finally got out of that shitty apartment two blocks south of my new address in august 2008. i moved into a bigger studio with a regular size kitchen and a regular size studio room. a lot of closet space and it's all utilities paid. :) lately i've picked up a few things for my place, a coffee table, new rug and a computer desk. my place finally looks like i am not living in boxes. i have furniture and i would like to get more home stuff. perhaps a new couch? more bookshelves, since my books are currently boxed up in the closet. :( maybe after laying only on a mattress for over 5 years, it's time to finally get a bed to sleep on? i know this isn't going to happen overnight. but i got to stick with it.
4. try to see my friends more
i fell in love in january 2006 and it really fucked me up. not in a horrible way, but it got me off track with some friends in my life, along with meeting new folks and giving them the shaft because i want to hang with my boo on wknds. now that i have been with m.v.f. for over three yrs and the trust has been built...i need to hang with my buddies more often. sometimes i feel like i have lost some of the mojo from my friends and fam. but maybe it's not lost? i need to not give myself a hard time if i haven't heard from certain siblings or friends. life keeps going, no matter what happens. i know my peeps got my back no matter what. but i miss seeing certain friends and i got to be more pro active with it. i will try harder to get a beer or even just talk on the phone with my peeps and siblings.
5. love m.v.f. even more
this is going to sound cheesy like a pizza, but it has to be said. i celebrated my third anniversary with m.v.f this past weekend. i had such an amazing time spending time with him and being on a real vacation!! this man knows me. i had no idea a craigslist ad would have me meet such quality. he's been nothing but respectful and loves me for who i am. he always goes the extra mile. i've dated folks throughout my life, but i have never thought i would have this type of relationship before 30. these last three years of my life have been AWESOME with m.v.f. by my side. both of us know this will be the year for us. he's my rock. i want to have blacktino kids in the WAY future. i want us to build a home together. i want us to have the life we both deserve, even if he can't stop making silly faces. i don't care. he keeps me balanced and reminds to me chill out constantly. i love him. :)
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