FB + my mom = it's complicated

last year one of my siblings decided to make a facebook profile for my mom. automatically i asked her to be my facebook friend because i thought it wasn't a big deal for me. she's not on it too often and at first reading her status were cute. unfortunately she would post about my sister mary all of the time. she talked about how much she loves mary and how she worried for mary's health. it started to get to me every single time her status was about mary. one of the few reasons why i can't visit my mom, along with having any relationship with her is because she mentions mary all of the time.

you're probably wondering why i don't like mary. unfortunately one of my older brothers sexually abused 3 of my sisters. unfortunately out of the 3 sisters, mary decided to keep the cycle of sexual abuse alive and she got to me from the age of 5 to 7. growing up with her was no picnic either. my parents always would ALWAYS excuse mary's behavior because of her disability. she was an able person and held jobs when we were growing up. to put it bluntly, she was in the "slow" classes all the way through high school. unfortunately when i started to come to terms with my trama, mary was diagnosed with MS, along with having a mental breakdown. she started to have seizures and was in/out of the hospital throughout the Fall of 1999. this is the reason why i don't want to hear about mary's health or how much both of my parents love mary. i don't hate mary, but i woud like to think that she and my "family" would get why i don't want any relationship with her.


getting caught up with my emotions, i deleted my mom from facebook. i didn't even give her an excuse why, i clicked the X and a second later, she wasn't my facebook friend. this gave satisfaction for about a minute, until my other distant sister in san diego started to write about mary's health on her FB status. i would think since she was one of the 3 that got abused by my brother, she would UNDERSTAND where i'm coming from. but no dice! right when i was this close to deleted my sister in san diego off of facebook, i realized you can block any FB friend's status you don't wanna see. if i would have known this was an option with my mom's status, this is what i would have done.

now i get to read my mom's wall posting on all of my siblings face book profiles. perhaps this is a good thing though. i'm not close to my mom at all and honestly i feel more like a burden to her and my dad. i have realized now that facebook is the ONLY channel i can have with my mom and unfortunately i cannot add her again because "FB" doesn't allow me too. i can't even look at her profile because who ever upkeeps her account, has her privacy setting on high or something. i can't even click her because FB tells me that i'm not allowed to do that. BLUG. :*( i tried to ask her about adding her again this past saturday and she told me that she would...but nothing has happened yet.

i hate how this stuff gets to me too. it took me a LONG time to realize that family is what you make of it. it's hard to practice what you preach though. especially when you run into a distant cousin that you haven't seen in over 15 years and the FIRST thing they say to you is "oh my god. you look EXACTLY like irene. d'oh.

it's already july?!?

WTF?!?!? this summer is flying by too darn quickly. since it's been a while since i've written anything on here...i'm just going to ramble off for real. :-)

i can't believe michael jackson passed away less than two weeks ago. his memorial service at staple center, his casket glowing in the front of the stage. watching mariah carey sing "i'll be there" made me a wee bit teary. she pulled it together, even though her emotions were weighing in on her. who could blame her though? she was singing at MJ's funeral!?!? but watching stevie wonder's performance was unforgettable. you HAVE to watch this.

http://tinyurl.com/kwxafk

maya angelou's poem read by queen latifah was the SHIT! queen latifah kept it real, but she also kept it classy. she was great!!! please check out her speech.

http://tinyurl.com/l4x2br

these particular parts of MJ's memorial really struck a cord with me. overall, the service was sweet. even though i wanted to punch the wall every time joe jackson was called a great father, i was trying only focused on the positive. i was also fortunate to watch it while working, but i really wanted to watch it at home. thank the universe for youtube.com.

it's been GREAT not having to go to school this semester. :-) i know i must take english 103 over this coming fall at LACC. i got to get the F off my transcript. a part of me would like to take another course, but i've also been doing much self reflection. i lost myself this past semester, working full time and going to class 3 times a week. i don't even want to feel that crazy ever again. if this means i only take one course this fall, so be it. i rather have my sanity than lose myself over the bullshit of college. i know i want to get my AA degree in liberal arts, and i will get that in time. but i also want to enjoy my years living in los angeles ,without college consuming my soul. i know that line came off dramatic.....as fiona apple says "oh well..."

r.r.r.